If I could live anywhere I would live in the BeetleJuice house, post-renovation.

For more information and images about this amazing structure.

Some Thoughts On My First Week With High Definition TV

• Your favorite celebrities have flaws and you can see them. Did you know that Madonna really looks like a hag? Of course you did. With high definition broadcasts you finally see that everyone you hate is just as ugly as you are.
• Advertisements for garbage collectors make me cry. You should see the one were the lights come on, on my sony bravia it looks amazing.
• The Discovery Channel is worth watching. Anything with mountains or texture looks amazing. I sat through hours and hours of Sigourny Weaver narrating pictures of ice because it was visually amazing.
• My HD channels have no HD. Some of my directv “HD Channels” actually have no HD content on them.

All Of My Dead Neighbors

I grew up in a small town full of rich old ladies with big cars and even bigger hair. Recently, they have been dropping like flies, about one a month. In stark contrast to recent events, Charlotte had nothing to do with these deaths.

• The Astor: She was my favorite neighbor and lived to be 93. I took her to her first fast food restaurant, she asked for a menu.
• The Nazi: Her obituary mentioned her “time in Germany,” which was a nice way of putting it.
• The Firetruck : She was tall and build like a Buick. She was famous for having her property check for dimensional gates.

Status Unknown

• The Frog Whisperer: She famously had a friend politely ask if I was teaching the frogs in front of her house to talk.
• The Walker: I would only see her walking and nobody knew who she was.

Long Dead

• The Sharp Shooter: She lived alone in a huge house up until her 90s. When she was young, she helped bringing skiing to America and worked for Saks as a fashion consultant. I used to cut across the field from her house until she told me of her plan to eradicate vermin with her shotgun.